Here comes Easter, the celebration of Jesus’ agonizing death and resurrection. This holiday inevitably brings out the “fundies” (fundamentalist Christians) who get so pissed about the Easter Bunny, hard-boiled eggs and Peeps. They always, with shrill intonations, try to remind Christians—and force nonbelievers to acknowledge—that Easter is about the suffering of Jesus on the cross. “Jesus died for you,” they will say with an implied, “you ungrateful ass.”
I view the sexual fetish of Jesus hanging half naked on the cross as Crucifixion Porn, exemplified in movies such as The Passion of the Christ by delightful Christian Mel Gibson. Somewhere in the world someone is masturbating to this image at this exact moment. The worst part is the incessant demand by Christians that we all stare at this ghastly fiction and feel bad! Jesus suffered, and we should all give a flying fuck. But I do not.
Divinity aside, let’s assume that Jesus was a real person, and he died unpleasantly for his “beliefs” 2,000 years ago. Is that more tragic than any example we could pick from in more recent history? Is it worse to be crucified for your beliefs or to be burned alive for being a witch? Witch burnings are actual documented murders that were performed in Jesus’ name (amen!) I don’t know which death is more painful, but it is undeniable fact that tens of thousands of women were murdered by churches over the years. This doesn’t even begin to touch the torture of so many other human beings, including many that were disemboweled, strangled, and otherwise tortured—all agonizing, evil, and divinely inspirited murders. Yet still, in the 21st century, nonbelievers are supposed to be moved by the pain of one guy who inspired the suffering of so many others.
These murders don’t even begin to account for the 1.5 million children that will die THIS year because of diarrhea (for fuck’s sake). Yet again, the shrill Christian anthem about “Jesus’ sacrifice” is mentioned without any embarrassment at all. Christians in general lack shame, charity and any idea of the scope of real suffering. Thousands of children die because of a lack of compassion while thousands more suffer the effects of being raped by priests just for good measure.
If Jesus actually lived, at least he made it to adult hood and died for his cause. A woman stoned for adultery or a child who dies because her parents pray instead of taking her to the doctor—these are real tragedies, worthy of shrill condemnation and righteous anger. But in the end Christians can’t escape their shared word view with Joseph Stalin: One death is a tragedy; one million is a statistic.
So on Easter, I’m eating the fuck out of some Peeps. I’m gonna hide Easter eggs and watch crappy cartoons with bunnies that have nothing to do with Christianity in the slightest. I won’t for a moment consider Jesus, nor will I watch any crucifixion porn. Life is horrible enough without having to invent reasons to feel bad.