I have discovered a long lost book of the Bible, and it is totally amazing! — Edwin
Jesus descended the hill following his Sermon on the Mount. Basked in an otherworldly glow, he faced his disciples. “What did you think of that my sons?”
“You the man, Jay,” piped up Judas. Forever a kiss-ass, Judas was always first with a compliment.
“Fuckin’ Aye,” said Luke, high five-ing Peter. “That kicked some ass. Let’s parte’.”
“The lord might tolerate a celebration of a well delivered sermon,” Jesus smiled, without a hint of smugness.
“Right on, my savior,” yelled Peter. “Toss me a cold one Matt,” he said to Matthew, standing over the beer cooler. In one motion, Big Matt reached down and hurled a Zima over to Peter. In his haste, Matthew aimed too low, and the clay pot slammed Peter hard in the balls. The near giddy disciples erupted with laughter as Peter fell to the ground holding his bruised testicles.
Having caught himself laughing at Peter’s misfortune, Jesus Christ felt remorse. “Peter, my brother, how do you feel? Are you well?”
“Cough, cough! Yeah, I’m alright, but oh my balls ache.” At his statement, the apostles’ laughter grew louder.
Big Matt looked down at the ground eyes guilty. “Sorry Petey,” he said in a slow voice. Matt was very broad shouldered, strong and constantly clad in trademark checkered flannel robe. Although devout in his faith, he was as dense as the temple wall.
Jesus again furrowed his brow at the entire scene. Is it wrong to take joy in another man’s pain? “My children,” Jesus said, regaining his authority. “We should all have compassion for our ball-struck brother. Swollen testicles should not be the subject of mirth.” The other apostles held their laughter as the Rabbi spoke.
“Oh, c’mon, Jesus,” said Luke (those who really know the Bible will remember Luke as the only apostle from Philly). “We can’t bang chicks or do any cool shit no more. Why can’t we laugh when Petey takes one in the nuts?”
Jesus looked down in deep contemplation. The apostles stood silent, awaiting divine guidance. Yet there was none. Puzzled, Jesus looked toward the heavens with arms raised, beseeching God’s wisdom. Still nothing came. “My father is silent on this question,” he said, looking again at his followers. “Yet, this behavior seems wrong to me.”
“C’mon Lord,” said Mark. “Luke’s right; we don’t mean anything by it.”
Jesus looked from face to face at his disciples. Then slowly spoke. “This will require thought and prayer. I will reflect on your words, and we will meet to discuss this further.” Jesus retired to his tent.
Ancient prophets pondered mankind’s timeless, universal yearnings. Looking toward the heavens, theologians marveled, wondered and discovered. Later thinkers would live in the shadow early philosophers, but until that moment, Jesus had never contemplated one of life’s most enduring questions: “Is it okay to laugh when another person suffers?”
Jesus emerged from his tent, and Judas, always hungry to be the first to lick Jesus’ godly ass, was watching. “The master!” He yelled and ran to Jesus. “Lord, what have you come up with? Did you talk to the big man? You know I got hit in the balls once and …”
“Kind brother, your pie hole should be closed and at peace,” said Jesus. Despite his annoyance at Judas, his face never lost its calm. That was one of Jesus’ greatest tricks. You could stretch his ball sack like it was taffy and he wouldn’t even flinch. No doubt he was the messiah.
“I have thought much on this subject, he said facing the disciples. I have decided that we must, as bringers of the new law, identify and set boundaries on what we shall call amusing, versus what is sinful.”
Peter, Jesus’ best friend and confidant spoke up. “Whatcha need from us teacher?”
“What I shall ask in the next few hours shall seem strange to some. Know that I do this for the greater good of those who come after.” Jesus turned to face Matt, the hulking red neck. “Matthew, please kick Peter again in the nether region. This time, do not hold back. Kick with all the strength our Lord gave you.”
Peter’s eyes widened, and he swiveled his head looking for a quick escape. None was presented, so Matt turned to Peter without question, and kicked him square in the nuts. Peter lifted several inches off the ground. It was unfortunate that Matthew was fond of wearing surplus army sandals with rock-hard soles.
All the apostles roared with laughter, as Peter rolled around in the dry desert sand. “Balls, cough, Oh fuck! Why? Jesus Christ, my aching jewels.” Even Jesus cracked an uncharacteristic smile at the spectacle.
“My sons, it is permissible to laugh at any hard strike to any groin. This will remain a universal element of all humor. It is without guilt and is innocent in mine eyes.”
Judas threw himself on the ground with mirth. He laughed so hard that he nearly pissed his pants. Jesus eyed him lying prone in the dirt. “Matt, kindly pick Judas up from the ground, but lay not your hands on his person or outer clothing. Lift him only by his undergarments.”
Matt took Jesus’ instructions with religious fervor, and he showed neither mirth nor pleasure at the discomfort he inflicted. He nodded seriously to Jesus and then grabbed Judas by the underwear, hoisting him several feet in the air. Judas shrieked in pain and surprise at the world’s first wedgey. Matt held firm to the undergarments, as Jesus looked unimpassioned. Finally, the cheaply made cloth gave way, and Judas fell three feet to the hard earth.
Even Peter forgot his own pain at the sight of Matthew holding Judas’ shredded skivvies. “A wedgey can be a dangerous thing my children,” said Jesus. “It should be reserved for application between the young or small, lest permanent injury result. Among this group, I hold this act without guilt.”
“Oh, my achin’ ass,” Judas moaned.
“That is enough trial of pain for now,” said Jesus. “We shall return to it again today I am afraid, but now I wish to cover an area known as the practical joke. The ‘blind sit up’ is one of the first that we must understand. It can be called ‘the cruelest of jokes,’ yet it causes no pain. John my brother, please place your body in a sit-up position.” John sighed, but obeyed his sovereign.
As the day progressed the small band of apostles examined many of the oldest, most common gags, pratfalls and amusing injuries. The code of humorous conduct was debated and formed. Some were added to the list of righteousness, while others were shunned, separating wheat from the chaff. As the sun kissed the Eastern Desert, the group of twelve and Jesus had finally reached consensus on a code that could be honored. It allowed for joy and humor without sin or guilt. Yet, this great debate was not without cost.
“Oh, my balls ache,” said Peter.
“You know, I’m sick of hearing ’bout your nuts. That big mother fucker nearly tore my nose off,” complained Luke. It is true that the instruction on the “Hey Moe” went terribly wrong. The traditional “Hey Moe” takes place when one party grabs the other person’s nose, then he or she smacks the hand holding the nose for a painful effect. Matt had held Luke’s nose too enthusiastically with the first hand, and thus broke it when slapping it away. Therefore, it was deemed sinful for all except the most adept at physical comedy, such as Moe himself, the founder of the technique.
“Allow me my son,” said Jesus. He cradled Luke’s nose in his hands, and said a little prayer of healing. “How does that feel now my son?”
“Oh, hell yea. Thanks Jay,” said Luke, who now, thanks to the healing power of Jesus, felt no pain.
“Rabbi, what about by balls,” Peter groaned.
“I am sorry my son. I refuse to place my divine hands upon your nuts to heal them. You will therefore have to bear this pain as a reminder of the cost of mirth.”
“That blows,” said Peter bitterly.
“Blow as it might, such is life my son. Sometimes even the best things come with a little pain and sacrifice. Entertainment cannot always be pain free.”